Name: Dunkirk
Year: 2017
Rating: PG
Running Time (minutes): 106
Description: Evacuation of Allied soldiers from Belgium, the British Empire, and France, who were cut off and surrounded by the German army from the beaches and harbour of Dunkirk, France, between May 26-June 04 1940, during the Battle of France in World War II.
Stars: Fionn Whitehead, Barry Keoghan, Mark Rylance
Genres: Action, Drama, History

This will be a very different review from all my previous ones. I can’t say much about the film itself because I had to stop watching after 30 minutes. Why? Simple: because the audio description was made by Americans.

How many more academic papers do we need before these idiots finally realise that audio description DOES NOT WORK and that audio narration DOES WORK? This is a STORY about World War I, so tell me that STORY, don’t give me a dry, emotionless, cold, boring account of fact after fact after fact after fact after fact and don’t speak like Stephen Hawking. And for the love of God, look up the word ‘coherence’ in a dictionary. Why can’t you consistently say when we’re in France, Belgium and England? Oh, right, because there’s no big caption in the movie displaying country names. The best part came when they called some people ‘the taciturn men’. Everybody’s fucking taciturn in that movie! This is the second time that Americans had to go and ruin a critically acclaimed movie. Minority Report became simply incomprehensible and now this one. If you don’t understand that your final text should, above, all be easy to digest and that the viewer shouldn’t have to make a huge effort to be able to understand the basic storyline of a film, find yourself another job.

Having said all this, I must say that the part of the film I watched seemed really very well executed. The depiction of war environments was spot on. I would probably have found it fabulous if I had been allowed to actually immerse myself in the story.

And the score… Well, I’ve heard people bitching about it and worshipping it for four months and will have to join the worshipping crowd. There’s no doubt that this will make for very unentertaining listening, but my God, did it work in this film.


Beauty and the Beast

Name: Beauty And The Beast
Year: 2017
Rating: PG
Running Time (minutes): 129
Description: Disney’s animated classic takes on a new form, with a widened mythology and an all-star cast. A young prince, imprisoned in the form of a beast, can be freed only by true love. What may be his only opportunity arrives when he meets Belle, the only human girl to ever visit the castle since it was enchanted.
Stars: Emma Watson, Dan Stevens, Luke Evans
Genres: Family, Fantasy, Musical

I really liked this one. The only slightly confusing plot point for me was the fact that the castle’s objects still had living relatives at the end. The prologue made it sound as if the entire prince/enchantress thing had happened two centuries ago. Loved Emma Thompson wiv ‘er beau’iful Cockney accent. McKellen was great too, though I don’t really find the Gaston character arc very convincing. He turns from a lovable idiot to a villain in, like, two seconds. Lumière queeckly becèm boring az well, but I was really surprised that the ending was so tense. I’ve never seen the original version, but it can’t be better than this one.

On to more important things. THE MUSIC. No words. I just love Alan Menken’s limitlessly romantic scores. The songs were mostly a joy to discover, too, but my absolute favourite remains the one sang by the Beast as Belle leaves the castle. Absolutely terrific. I’ve read a lot of complaints from people who apparently thought Emma Watson was the only actress that was auto-tuned. She definitely isn’t. I’m not a fan of auto-tuning as every song written these days sounds like computerised crying to me, but here, it worked 90% of the time (some horrible edits, though).

And the audio-describer had a hidden agenda. I’ve been told at least five times that Belle was manly, brave and fearless. What is it with political correctness these days? Are they trying to tell youngsters that women are no longer the angels in the home holding it all together to prevent them getting dangerous ideas that no one has anymore? I hope Disney’s next film will show a woman casting a vote during an election, you know, just to make sure we all know women can vote. But at least the narrator didn’t interfere with the end credits (though, come to think of it, these end credits songs are no match for any song or music from the movie, so listening to a list of unimportant names might have been a better alternative).